Monday, April 18, 2011

scared again, and thrilled

[May 2010, pregnant with Saf, engaging my advent]

I have a baby in my belly right now, as I write.  I felt a foot last night, up near my ribs, as I was falling asleep.

A year ago Chris and I were in Perth, right after our honeymoon, and we were pregnant then too. We were scared, and we were thrilled.

A year later there's 31 weeks of a different baby inside of me, big enough to survive on its own.  The ultrasound lady said, 'You're having a boy.'

I feel scared again, and thrilled.  In seven to eleven weeks we'll be in a whole new world.  I'm going to be in labour, be the one on the inside of the pain, the one who gets to nurse the baby when it's born and keep it forever.

I've had to filter out all the hell I've seen, all the quiet babies I've held.  I've had to remember that God's heart is for us, is to deliver us, is to carry us through the desert like one who carries a child.  Why will I have a big ball to sit on during labour and some women a cold metal table, or a dirt floor, with no one to comfort them?

Things are not right in the world.  But God doesn't want to increase my suffering to make things fair -  She wants to see the valleys filled with newborn songs.

28 weeks, anticipating my own newborn songs


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