I'm trying to catch moments - the small ones that slip by most of the time because my mind is fixed on that next thing and looking for a distraction from the now. You know.
Yesterday Saf took a solid 2 hour and 5 minute nap (thank you God and Elizabeth Pantley!) When he woke up I carried him to the couch and, still groggy, he asked for 'nai nai' so I nursed him a bit. He fell back asleep in my arms, which rarely happens anymore. I wanted to carry him across the room, grab my phone and read a few blogs that I follow. I felt it would be a better use of my time than just sitting - maybe something I read would inspire me to a better mothering or challenge my spirituality. I decided that Saf would probably wake up if I tried to move, as 25 pounds of dead weight is tough to maneuvre gracefully - especially mid-pregnancy.
So I stayed. And I just watched the boy sleep. I remembered the first time I held him, how tiny he was against my chest, how startling and familiar he was after 40 weeks of wondering. And now he fills my lap, legs extending to the couch; but his face is still the most peaceful and soft sleeping face I've ever seen. I let my heart be softened to him again, as we sometimes have difficult moments as we learn to be mama-baby in new ways. I enjoyed the silence of his eyes and mouth gently closed. I enjoyed him, knowing it woudln't be too long before he won't sleep in my arms anymore.
I could have held the boy and read about someone else's sweet and sacred experiences of being a mother. (And I do, often, and am inspired and challenged.) But sometimes its better to just be a mother, as what that means emerges and develops every day - and most moments will never be captured if I don't capture them now.
I hope to waste many hours watching my children sleep in my arms.
Yesterday Saf took a solid 2 hour and 5 minute nap (thank you God and Elizabeth Pantley!) When he woke up I carried him to the couch and, still groggy, he asked for 'nai nai' so I nursed him a bit. He fell back asleep in my arms, which rarely happens anymore. I wanted to carry him across the room, grab my phone and read a few blogs that I follow. I felt it would be a better use of my time than just sitting - maybe something I read would inspire me to a better mothering or challenge my spirituality. I decided that Saf would probably wake up if I tried to move, as 25 pounds of dead weight is tough to maneuvre gracefully - especially mid-pregnancy.
So I stayed. And I just watched the boy sleep. I remembered the first time I held him, how tiny he was against my chest, how startling and familiar he was after 40 weeks of wondering. And now he fills my lap, legs extending to the couch; but his face is still the most peaceful and soft sleeping face I've ever seen. I let my heart be softened to him again, as we sometimes have difficult moments as we learn to be mama-baby in new ways. I enjoyed the silence of his eyes and mouth gently closed. I enjoyed him, knowing it woudln't be too long before he won't sleep in my arms anymore.
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| 24 weeks outside the tummy. |
I could have held the boy and read about someone else's sweet and sacred experiences of being a mother. (And I do, often, and am inspired and challenged.) But sometimes its better to just be a mother, as what that means emerges and develops every day - and most moments will never be captured if I don't capture them now.
I hope to waste many hours watching my children sleep in my arms.
Amen, Becca! Well put! I'm glad you're letting yourself enjoy the moments of splendor like that. And it doesn't have to end so soon as you think. Saf is one year old now. Rebecca is three and a quarter years old and she still likes to nurse as soon as I get her up from her nap. She falls right back to sleep again and I can have those same beautiful moments of watching my "baby" sleeping so peacefully in my arms (yes, sprawled all over me too, but so peaceful!). What an amazing gift to both nurture the wonder of this precious life and also to repair the small ruptures in relationship which can happen in the difficult waking moments. May you cherish every opportunity to rebond like that! I think there is something to be said for having at least one nursing session a day when there is no competing agenda but just to be present in the moment and enjoy each other like that. Most of the time she sleeps nearly the whole of that nursing session, but sometimes her sweet little eyes look up into mine as she nurses and she smiles beautifully at me as we connect in that quiet place. For years those post-nap nursing sessions have been my absolute favorite time of the day with her - when she's still sleepy, cuddly, relaxed, and so angelically innocent. (I also make sure I have a comfy chair set up for that nursing session so I can be there a long time, and even nod off if I want to, and not rush the process.) And, as a side benefit, I have often found that when I allow myself that time, any muscle tension I had miraculously disappears. :> A gift of God, no doubt, to encourage us moms to slow down and be present.
ReplyDeleteMany blessings as you invest so meaningfully in your relationship!
Blessings,
Elisa
thanks elisa!! i always admire the way you parent and the encouragement that you bring to us!! I guess when I say 'soon' he won't be sleeping in my arms I'm thinking of when he's a teenager. ;) Until then, I'll enjoy those moments as much as I can!!
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