Thursday, May 3, 2012

three years of this.

Remember the night you asked me the question?  The one that would wreck all your plans and make us both so happy?  You sang to me, passed a note and I said yes, I would love to.  You gave me a ring, our first kiss and a thousand more; I had never been rosier or more smiling.

Remember that night?

What did we think this would be like, three years in?  We said it would be hard but barely believed ourselves.  How could we, together in space after so many months apart, be hard?  We imagined the long walks and conversations face to face, the bedsharing and skintouching, making music and close, of everything infinite and natural and yes.

You didn't realize I would demand everything.  There's something about marriage that whispers to the dark places safety, 'It's alright, you can come out now.'  All my hardness floats to the surface, the scared words come out of hiding, the old photo albums I'd been lugging around in invisible heavy bags.  I would have warned you if I'd known.

You laid next to me in a lot of ugly grief; you prayed prayers I couldn't hear and wouldn't have listened to. You stroked my hair.  I'd pick fights because I wanted your attention and couldn't remember the sign for 'help'.  You kept eating from the tree of life.  You never judge.  You call me out sometimes but receive me still, unchallenged like that falling snow we talk about.

You've stayed close, not just stayed, but really have come in, invited or not:  through hormone explosions and difficult births, a messy kitchen and weekend demands, a cross-country move and international flights, weeks apart and babies in our bed.  You always stay so close.

Three years of this, nothing what we thought it would be, and your eyes are still smiling.  Your string finger calluses have been slowly replaced by some of the toughest, kindest love I've seen in a boy.  You take up your cross daily for me, for the children, and there is little reward here.  Just another early morning, more nappies to hang, dishes to wash, babies to rock.  Sometimes I worry that I've stolen you from something greater, something more creative and influential.  But you really do want to go with me, wherever that is, no matter how slow or how many babies we carry there.  You are my Ruth and I don't deserve any of it.

we will be married.
Thank you for these three years, my lover and friendboy most of all.

Thank you for staying close.

7 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness. That is just so beautiful. What an Ode to the man you have married. Its so touching because a lot of those same fears lurk in my about my husband. Its nice to hear when you aren't alone in some of those thoughts. Blessings to you both tons! Maria and I always say even though we have never met you, Chris has a really great catch, without even knowing you I know you are a blessing to him. Your heart is spoken so clearly and beautifully it really is moving!
    -Jess

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    1. awww thanks jess. ya, its interesting marrying musicians and watching them become dads of multiple small children. the other day chris told me he doesn't even have calluses on his fingers anymore. but then you know they love it, they want to be right here even when it's hard ... maybe someday they'll be rock stars. :) or maybe the pressure of family life will just inspire them to create in the margins. thanks for your encouragement.

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  3. Oh Becca, I am weeping. So beautiful and honest. Thank you!

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  4. You made me cry too, you beautiful woman. I am so blessed and moved by your words. Love you!

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  5. Your wedding vineyard was the single most spiritual place I've ever been and it changed my life. Seeing and being affected by the love you and Chris have for each other allowed me to be open to that magnitude of goodness when I had not believed I was deserving. To me there is no greater work in this life than loving and leading others towards life. You both strengthen my love and patience with your examples despite the distance. You have not only made life in the form of Saf and Jubilee but in many relationships and I am so thankful that I'm one of them.

    I love y'all so much. Your words are just so perfect. Happy Anniversary!

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  6. No way; I thought I would be the only posting that I'm wiping away my tears so I can type that I'm in tears at the reading of your post.
    Are all women close to the same in this area? That is, do we all hold the same fears, and demand from our husband almost everything? Your sweet words made me think of my Dean, my own hero.
    Bless you, Chris, and the children you make together. May you know the Lord's face is shining upon you all.
    Btw, did you know Psalm 23:16 is improperly translated? It reads "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life..."(NKJV). Though, if properly translated it would say, "Goodness and mercy shall pursue me and overtake me all the days of my life..." According to your outpouring of love above it sounds like goodness and mercy have done just that for you! (At least that's my translation! ;)

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